You're so nebulous sometimes
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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