I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My vagina is officially offended.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
