I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize