He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
