I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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