you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
