Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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