how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
