remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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