That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
