why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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