ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When did angry sex become our thing?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
