Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize