i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
