Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
