The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
