I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
