Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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