I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
