Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
