this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
