i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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