I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
