The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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