I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
