There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
