just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
