Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
