Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
