So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
