Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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