glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
