Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
