Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
