I'd wear matching sweaters with you
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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