there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize