Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
