Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just pee around me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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