3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
