Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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