I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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