If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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