I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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