i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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