my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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