my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
