You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
