After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize