you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
