just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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