hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
