I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
