# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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