I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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