I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
