I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
