do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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